Me: "Well, none yet."
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Them: "You've done this before, haven't you?"
Me: "Yeah...lots of times. I'm definitely no stranger to holding newborns. I've got lots of "nieces" and "nephews!"
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Me: "I know it's not supposed to be public yet...but congratulations on your pregnancy!"
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Them: "You're seriously the most experienced non-parents at parenting in the church."
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I've heard all this within the past few days. All of it's a painful reminder that I'm not yet a mom...but I made a comment today that made enduring all the others worth it.
One of the other secretaries came back to my desk today and asked me if I'd like to meet her friend. This friend was a 5 month old baby she was holding while her mom filled out some paperwork in the front lobby. My coworker and I greeted her and delighted in her smile, and as this secretary was leaving to reunite baby with mom, my coworker said "Aw... I want one!"
I sat down a little shocked at what I was thinking. Very unlike me for the past few years. I voiced my thought: "Me too..." I said, "but I want God more."
We were both quiet for a minute. Then I started smiling. "I mean it," I said. "How cool is that, that I really mean it?"
"That's really cool..." she said. The hesitancy with which she spoke wasn't due to awkwardness. This gal has been acquainted with my struggle and has watched me agonize over it. She's heard me say "I'd give anything..." But now, I wasn't saying that.
I went to her desk and sat down. "You know," I told her. "2008 was arguably the toughest year of my life because I wanted kids so badly. But God used that time to teach me that I wasn't created to live for and be satisfied in anything but him. I wouldn't ever want to repeat that year - but I wouldn't trade the things I learned about God and who he is for anything. ANYTHING."
Even I was surprised with the passion with which I spoke. But I meant it. This was coming from deep down in my gut.
It's almost 2010. I'm nearly 30. This is NOT how I would have ordered my life. But God had better things in store for me than a full family by 30. He wanted me to understand who he is, and who I am, and what the Gospel is, and he wanted to make me more like Christ. I don't understand him fully, and I've got a long way to go in becoming like Christ, but I'm a little closer now because I've had to wait on this blessing.
I pray every day God will bring kids - but not at the expense of something better God might have for me. I know now there are better things.
