300.

The end of the matter.

I took off my jacket and threw it across the room.

"Who was it?" my husband asked.

"My friend from Bahrain," I answered. I'd just hung up the phone.

"She ok?" he asked.

"She's fine." I sighed, hesitating. "There's a job opening there she wants us to consider."

I went on to discribe the set up of our dreams: both of us teachers. 6 weeks vacation on top of the 7 weeks of summer. Paid plain fare to the island. The school would pay our rent for a 1 bedroom flat. 2 trips home to America during the year. Full medical coverage. A chance to learn fluent Arabic. And - we'd be living right in the middle of the world. All the things we'd been trying to get at for years wouldn't be so far away any more.

"Wow..." he said. "When do they want us to start?"

"Next week," I said.

We both laughed. There was no way this would work out and we knew it. We sighed heavy sighs and went back to our now very American-seeming chicken 'stir-fry'.

That night I layed awake in bed, a little miffed with God for taunting me with stuff like this. "I can't take it any more," I silently said. "It eats me up just knowing that the Great Wall is there and I'm not walking it. The Camino de Santiago is peopled with pilgrims and I'm not one of them. Someone's climbing in and out of the Grand Canyon, and it isn't me. Will I ever get those caligraphy brushes from China? Will I ever see the Himalayas? Will I ever make it back to the Louve? How will I ever read Faust in the original if I can't go to Germany to learn German? You're keeping me down God - when's my life going to get started? I never get anything I want..."

The next day it was hard to go to work. But when I missed my home-bound buss I was left with 20 minutes to sit and think. You can guess where my mind went. I started praying again, telling God I just didn't understand. Would he ever let me travel? Or even if he never allowed me to leave Germantown again, could I at least have a family? Or could I at least have my husband home at night? Or could I at least get that new shirt I want before winter set in?

Then I felt a question: "What's the purpose of your life?" Well, my internal mouth shut very quickly. I understood. I was feeling a little unfulfilled - and was looking for fulfillment in all the wrong places. It makes perfect sense that God would withhold from me thing that I may idolize while he teaches me to find my full satisfaction in him alone.

Solomon came to mind. Here was a guy who had everything I could ever want. He's discribed as the wisest and richest man in history - and he was a king, so he was powerful. He used his smarts, money and power to dabble in just about everything from women to material pleasure. He'd totally turned his back on God to run the gambit of what the world has to offer - and at the end of it all? We know what he said, because the phrase has slipped into proverbial history: All is vanity. After tasting everything other than God, Solomon comes to a conclusion. It's the same one I had to remind myself of before I took all my unsatied desires and spun off down the same path he did.

"The end of the matter; all has been heard. Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man." -Ecclesiastes 12:13

I don't need anything besides what I already have to fear God and keep his commandments, so I'm not being 'kept down' at all. I need to remind myself that when I begin to desire things of the world, that route has already been tried by many before me, who have come to the same conclusion Solomon did. Those things won't fulfill them because they aren't their purpose in life - seeking God and obeying him is the whole duty of man, not just a part. And that, friends, is the end of the matter, and will never change.

Reading!

Can I encourage everyone out there, that when you find yourself married, read with your spouse - out loud to one another. It's great fun. Don't make excuses - turn off the television and go to bed a hour earlier and instead of going right to sleep read to each other.

All Things

In the vein of a relevant conversation a friend of mine recently asked me if I was content with my current situation. It was an apt and timely question - definitely spirit-led.

"HA! No - definitely not content," I answered. I've been struggling with discontent for a couple weeks now. I'd always been good at complaining, but it had become a regular pastime. "So God," I'd ask, "when's it my turn for a family/to come home/to travel/to be free from financial restraints/etc?" It seems to me like everyone around me is getting all these things way before me and that some mysterious force is just withholding them from me - and since I don't believe in mysterious forces, but do believe in a good, wise, loving God, it must be him. Why's he doing that??

A woman in church last Sunday shared an impression she believed was from the Lord. It went right to my sinful little heart.

"He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?" --Romans 8:32

This woman felt that the Lord wanted to admonish those present who were focusing on the 'all things' - we'd decided what the 'all things' were and were upset with God for not making good on his promise. She felt the Lord wanted to remind us that he decides the what the all things are, and when they will be delievered, and that we were to focus on the giver and not the gifts.

Well, that was me. How kind of God to lay this word on this woman's heart to share. Since having such clear guidance, I've been praying that God would use this time of boundaries to break me of my greed and desire for earthly things, and help me to seek him instead.

Trading down?

Classes started at the medical school where I work today. I have been preparing for this day for months, with alot of guidance from the doctors who will actually teach the course. It's a big day for us - a bad day for my bus to be late, but it all ended well.

I got here early enough to sit in on the introductory lecture for the course. It was the first time I had done it. It was cool to see the course director lecture. I'm used to interacting with this guy with both of us trying to get some food in our guts as we go through course plans, me folded up in his deep arm chair and he with his feet propped up on his desk. But today he was dressed in collar and tie and was using words I never would have credited to his intellect. He's actually a very good speaker (has a little trouble with the concept of a clip-on microphone, but otherwise, a very good speaker!) - and obviously a gifted scientist and teacher.

Well, I was absolutely captivated. After the lecture I quietly slipped out the back and returned to my desk, but as soon as the course director came back I scurried down to his office and said "Can I just take the course?"

Back at my desk, I began to think about my life 3 years ago. I had been in school in a pre-med program. It had been my goal to be an MD, just like all 178 students in that lecture. They would all go one to pour their lives into their career - which for them wasn't only medicine, by military. They'd learn things I'd never learn, have experiences I'd never have, see things I'd never see, aquire skills I'd never master, and be the doctors I'd never be. The course introduction had been very interesting, and I began thinking about going home and pulling my beloved biology text book off the shelf and flipping through it again.

Kari Evans, M.D., had been my dream 3 years ago. And what had happend? Well, I did get some new letters after my name, but not the ones I had expected. Instead of 'M.D.' I aquired 'Faherty'. I traded doctordom for wifedom, medicine for marraige. Had I traded down?

I thought about it. In the one hand, 30 years from now, I could have:

1. I could have a career in medicine where I could potentially save a couple hundred lives
2. A wealth of knowledge unheld by the average joe
3. Recognition
4. A ludicrous salary
5. Maybe even fame!
6. ...well, all that if my health held out long enough for me to make it through training, which it doesn't look like it would have...
7. and even if it did and I made it to residency, I'd have hours that restricted my time for family and church
8. so that would have put off marriage until, when? About age 30?
9. and how am I to be serving my local church with crazy hours?
10. no, wait, how am I to be serving my home and family with crazy hours?
11. yikes.

So, in the other hand I had my life as it actually exists:

1. The best husband in the world, second to none
2. nearly 3 years of marriage I wouldn't trade for any amount of fame, money, or education
3. 2 years at the best church in the world, second to none, with the prospect of decades more attending and serving in that same church
4. more spiritual growth in my life since I stopped college than in all my pre-marriage years combined
5. a proper understanding of the Gospel
6. freedom to let my husband lead our family without having to fight to keep a career afloat
7. freedom to serve my home and family without other pressures
8. the potential to start a family earlier and experience more of my childrens' lives
9. and thanks to the lack of distractions, a chance to get my priorities straight: God, Family, Church.

This wasn't how my priorities were, well, prioritized 3 years ago. I had a bunch of idols vying for God's place on the throne of my worship. But some sound doctrine, good teaching, and alot of Gospel-talk later, I've come to see that God's will was never for me to pour my life into a career. He wants me to pour it into him - and for me as a wife, this means service oriented toward my home and my family. This would have been severly hindered by a time consuming career like medicine.

So, Kari MD in one hand, Kari Faherty in the other. Did I trade down? I dont' think so. Scripture doesn't think so - and I truly believe God doesn't think so.

PS - my husband doesn't think so either.

Larenim

Would you ever have thought that I would be wearing makeup every day? Well I am! (My brother is so proud!) This post is a shout out to the make up that has allowed me to throw away everything else I stole from my mom when I was in middle school . (...sorry mom.)

The founder of Larenim Mineral Makeup had every possible skin problem imaginable -some of it induced by her conventional makeup - and founded the company to try and save others the same troubles.

I'm 23 and have struggled with acne nice my early teenage years. I kinda feel like at this age, I've done my time and should be through, but it hasn't let up.

Or hadn't.

I prefer natural to synthetic anywhere I have a choice. For this reason, bad though my acne be, I couldn't bring myself to wear traditional makeup that would exacerbate my breakouts, feel awful on my skin, and make me look fake. I chose not to wear it unless it looked and felt natural, didn't upset my skin, didn't smear off on everything, felt good while I wore it, and stayed on all day. Needless to say, this makeup was never found, and so I went without.

Finally fed up with the breakouts, I started looking for something - anything - that would help, even if it just meant makeup to cover the imperfections. I tried my local Whole Foods and found Larenim. "Can't hurt..." I thought.

Well, I never thought anything would meet my hippie standards, but Larenim does. It's low maintenance because it stays on all day; it looks and feels natural; it doesn't smell "like a dentist office" (as my husband observed other makeup did); it doesn't rub off on me or my husband's clothes; and best of all, it doesn't exacerbate my acne.

On the contrary, this make up is the only thing I've ever applied to my face that has cleared up my acne 100%. Something in the stuff just balanced my skin. Now that's cool!

My husband came in while I was applying my makeup one day and said "Well well, my hippie's wearing makeup again!" He was quite for a minute. "Are you ok with this?" he asked sincerely.

"I'm REALLY ok with it," I answered. "In fact, I feel like I'm just doing one more step in my skin care routine. I don't even feel like I'm 'putting on makeup'."

Pretty darn cool if you ask me. You can get samples for 4 bucks a pop on the web site. I'd encourage everyone to try it. Oh, and if you're still unconvinced, maybe reading about what conventional makeup will do to your skin over time - even the ones that are "non-comedogenic" and "hypo-allergenic" - will give you a little incentive. It sure did for me. See here and here.

Self righteousness

I ride the bus to work. It's awesome. It gives me time in a busy busy day to read!

Before I get too deep into this post, everyone should read The Count of Monte Cristo.

I ride the bus to work. I pick one spot at the bustop and I always wait there. I figure God is sovereign over where the bus pulls up alot the curb. There's usually plenty of seats for all of us.

One day a few weeks ago the bus pulled up right in front of me. Everyone shifted to await the opening doors. There were some people ahead of me since I usually stand back from the curb. Then from my right a woman began pushing very forcefully and rudely slipping herself between people to force her way to the head of the line. A blond woman next to me began some commentary. "Whoa, geez! Take it easy! It's not like he's going to leave you behind!" I dropped my eyes. She said exactly what I was thinking, only I added "Hmph! I never do anything that rude...".

On the way home there's another phenomenon that illicited the same kind of 'good grief!' reaction from me. When we're approaching the final discharge spot (that's the bustop where everyone has to get off or they're going to make the loop again) some people will get up out of their seat a half mile from the stop and just stand in front of the door. Here's my mental reaction: "Why do people do that? I can somewhat understand pushing to the head of the line when you're boarding the bus to get a seat, but when you're exiting? It's like they think all the seats in their car are going to be taken when they get there! What makes them think they're so much better than the rest of us that they should be first off the bus?" and then there it was again: "Hmph! I never do that."

Well, my sin-detector (you know, the holy spirit) went off one morning while I was having these thoughts. "A little self-righteous, aren't we?" it asked. I thought about it. Yes, it seemed so. Scripture calls us to a high standard in this area. Philipians 2:3 says "Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. " We aren't to think of ourselves as better than others - so I'm not to think that someone is worse than me because they do something I wouldn't, like push to the head of the bus line or wait at the door.

Jesus condemns this elevated view of self in a parable he told.

"Now he told a parable to those who were invited, when he noticed how they chose the places of honor, saying to them, "When you are invited by someone to a wedding feast, do not sit down in a place of honor, lest someone more distinguished than you be invited by him, and he who invited you both will come and say to you, 'Give your place to this person,' and then you will begin with shame to take the lowest place. But when you are invited, go and sit in the lowest place, so that when your host comes he may say to you, 'Friend, move up higher.' Then you will be honored in the presence of all who sit at table with you. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted." --Luke 14:7-11

It's easy to see from this parable that we're always to go into the feast with the assumption that all other guests are more important than ourselves. There's never a reason to think we're better than the next guy - even if the next guy is shoving his way to the head of the bus line. What's the difference between him and me really? Could his pushing be an expression of him thinking he's better than the rest of us and deserves to board first? Is that any different than me thinking I'm better than him because I don't do that? Looks like we're both suffering from an elevated view of self and a diminuative view of others.

The bus queue isn't the only place in my life where self-righteousness manifests. Every time I see that my husband has put the garlic press in the crock instead of the drawer I think "why does he keep doing this! I never do this, I get it right!" I'm being self-righteous. When I get cranky at the guy who pushes all the way to the front of the merge lane on the interstate instead of just taking an earlier opening and think "Why do people do that? Don't they know they're making traffic worse by doing that? I never do that," I'm being self righteous. I could go on like this forever.

Perhaps you're thinking it's not wrong to expect people to 'act properly' or 'get it right'. Well, I think if I search my heart what I'm really saying with statements like this is I want them to do it the way I would do it. And in that, I'm definitely using myself as the ultimate standard of correctness. And so...I'm the best! Or that's what I'm believing in my heart, and that's what's coming out in my actions.

A stout beating with the conviction stick

"For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death." --2 Corinthians 7:10

My husband came home yesterday to find me reading.

"How was your day?" he asked.
"Ok," I answered quietly.
"You sleepy?"
"No," I said.
"You sick?" he said, looking concerned.
"No, I feel fine..."
"Well what's wrong then?" he asked.
"I'm a sinner..." I said quietly, dropping my eyes.

I must have looked kinda cute and pitiful, because Stephan laughed in that way you do when you see a baby crying and just can't take it seriously. He sat down adn hugged me, and told me that I had plenty of company in being a sinner.

"A thousand other sinners wouldn't make me less sinful," I informed him.
"Well, no," he said, "but God knows hot to handle sinners. Are you remembering the gospel?"

He told me the story again. Sinful men, deserving punishment from a holy God, were brought near to him by him substituting his son - Jesus - to recieve the punishment they deserved. If I had put my faith in Christ's death on my behalf, "Which you have," he said, then God looks and me and see's Christ's righteousness and not my sinfulness.

I nodded. He was right, of course, but there was something sweet and unique about the way I was feeling this time.

We'd been reading through a book in my caregroup about genuine repentence. One of the ingredients to genuine repentence was true sorrow over our sin. It's one thing to know we've broken a rule, but when we really meditate on the fact that we've acted outside the boundaries laid by a holy god - who has already done so much to save us - and have grieved him by our actions, then we become truly sorrowful. Those sins put Jesus on the cross. Those actions created my need for a savior, and ultimately made it neccesary for Jesus to die the death I should have.

Grieving over the fact that we hurt God is a neccesary ingredient to being truly repentant for our sin. But as we read through this section, I realized that I very rarely felt grieved over my sin - sure I felt bad that I broke a rule or tarnished my track record, but I didn't think in context of wronging and hurting the heart of the perfect God that had sacrificed his beloved son to reconcile me, a sinner, to himself.

Well, we started reading this book last Tuesday. Sunday I got the word from God that he wanted me to respond in obedience. I knew that there would be no real and lasting change in my life until I was truly sorrowful over my sin - if I lacked that, I would simply fall back into old patterns of sin. I mean, no one ever changes an action they don't really and truly feel bad for.

I prayed a simple prayer that God would increase my grief over my sin. I wasn't expecting a stout beating with the conviction stick - which is what I felt like I got.

I woke up the next morning and felt like I was going to collaps in a puddle of tears all day. I saw my sin like I'd never seen it before. When I saw the puddle of water on the floor in front of the ice machine I immediately thought "What idiot dropped ice and didn't kick it under the machine?" That was a judgemental attitude - had to stop and repent for that. When my supervisor got a phone call from a long lost friend and couldn't stop talking about it I grew angry and frustrated with her. Again, had to walk through repentance. Oh, and when the people in the issuing office were offended and put off when I brought something to them late by no fault of my own I left in a huff thinking "Do they think things never come across my desk unexpectedly or late? I don't act that way when it does..." That was self-righteousness. That one almost put me on the floor. I hadn't realized just how much I sinned. It was almost imcapacitating.

How many of you opperate like this: if there are no adverse consequences for your sin, or no one calls you out on your sin, you don't even think about it really being sin. It's just a natural reaction to life. It's justified. It's understandable. You dont' grieve it. Sure, you may ask God to forgive you - maybe - but your heart doesn't feel it would break over it.

This is a discription of my relationship with repentance. I rarely ask forgiveness from God. I don't grieve my sin enough to prompt me to go back to the one I've ultimately offended - God. Sin by it's nature is an offense against God.

When I told my husband all this, he cautioned me against condemnation - which is letting the magnitude of your sin overwhelm you to the point where you forget that Christ has already paid for it - all of it. Basically you're saying with your actions that his death wasn't adequate and you still have reason to wallow in your sin. True belief in the gospel dispells condemnation because those who are saved are no longer condemned.

I was like this all day. It may sound like I wasn't in a hurry to get out of this funk. Well, like I said, there was something sweet and unique about this time. Usually, I do fall into condemnation. I completely forget the cross and wallow in the magnitude of my sin. Falling into that condemnation usually preceeds a whole host of other sins - like self-pity and anger and dispair. But I wasn't like that this time. This time I was keenly aware that I was washed clean by Christ's blood - and was so genuinely grieved over my sin in general that I was even desirous of avoiding the sins that usually went with condemnation. Those sins were just as bad as those of lisence. Where I was that day was simply grieved over my sin as a whole. Pouty sins didn't become permissible because I was feeling guilty over other sins. All sins were things that hurt God - and so were all things to be avoided. I just wanted to savor the acute awareness of that fact. I needed it. Without the grief, there's no genuine repentance and no lasting change.

So how about today? I'm feeling better. I'm trying to meditate on the gospel and remember that though my sin is horrid, it is attoned for. This is a very exciting thing! Only the perfect love of God could prompt him to pay such a price to ransom a sinner like me from death - and because of Jesus, nothing can separate me from that love. This should produce joy. And as my husband faithfully pointed out last night, "The Christian life is not marked by grief, but by joy."

The joy is building in my heart. But I want to give proper time to the grief too. The more genuine my grief, the more genuine my joy will be too.

Valley of Vision

Sovereign Grace Ministries just released a new CD based on the puritan prayer book Valley of Vision. The title track has really been speaking to me. Below are the powerful lyrics:

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In the Valley
Based on The Valley of Vision prayer “The Valley of Vision”
Words and Music by Bob Kauflin
Copywrite 2006 Sovereign Grace Praise (BMI). Sovereign Grace Music, a division of Sovereign Grace Ministries.


When You lead me to the valley of vision
I can see You in the heights
And though my humbling wouldn’t be my decision
It’s here Your glory shines so bright
So let me learn that the cross precedes the crown
To be low is to be high
That the valley’s where You make me more like Christ

Let me find Your grace in the valley
Let me find Your life in my death
Let me find Your joy in my sorrow
Your wealth in my need
That You’re near with every breath
In the valley

In the daytime there are stars in the heavens
But they only shine at night
And the deeper that I go into darkness
The more I see their radiant light
So let me learn that my losses are my gain
To be broken is to heal
That the valley’s where Your power is revealed

Rarely what I expect...

My husband and I had to decide what we were going to do last Friday night.

"The church is having a time of worship to wrap up the worship conference it hosted over the weekend," I told him. "I'd like to go. Who knows? Maybe God will heal me."

I was refering to my mysterious fatigue and malaise.

We decided to go out for pizza first. I limped out to the car and limped into the restaurant, limped out to the car again, limped into church, limped up the stairs to seats in the way back (we were 5 minutes late - who can rush through pizza?), and sat down. You see, I'd had an accident while cycling with my husband the previous Saturday and had injured my knee. It was black and blue and scabby, and I'd been babying it all week. Something had gone wrong inside my joint and it wasn't improving. The next day I would be spending my day at an amusment park with my husband and parents. I was worried about reinjuring it if I was on it all day, but I wanted to see my family and was not calling the trip off.

We were lead in worship by an amazing team, and a few songs into the session I felt like I heard a word from God that I should share. My church has a microphone that anyone who feels they have a prophetic word can go to. There's a pastor there who helps you discern if your word is timely, appropriate, and scriptural. If it is, then you can share.

So I ran what I believed I heard past my husband first, and he said I should go run it past the pastor at the mic. I went. The fellow's name was John (he was very nice), and he said that he felt confident I was hearing from God, but that he didn't feel that second was the best to share. He asked if I'd wait.

"Of course," I said, and sat down on the floor right there in the aisle. I always have peace to do that - God will make an opening if he desires.

While on the floor the pain in my knee began to worsen and my joint stiffened. It seemed to happen when I sat still for long periods of time. I tried to shift around and massage it to keep the pain down.

We sang, we prayed, we listened to others who felt they had heard from God. Our worship leader actually felt he had a prophetic song for a specific group of ladies in the audience. He sang it for them. After that, John retrieved a man who was sitting near me to come to the mic. He approached the mic and said one sentence: "I believe the Lord desires to heal those here with pain in their lower extremities."

Needless to say, my breath caught in my throat. Our worship leader asked anyone who fell into that category to raise their hand. I did. John turned around, saw me, and smiled. I shrugged bashfully. Our worship leader then asked if those near us would lay their hands on us and pray that we'd be healed. I had the blessing of 6 or 7 people praying for my knee injury. I'm always so humbled when I hear people praying prayers in proper perspective - specifically that whatever they are asking for would bring God glory and not just give us what we want.

After I was prayed for we went on singing. John came back to me, smiling, and asked "How's your knee?"

"Feel's great," I relayed. He then let me know that he felt we'd moved on from the time in the program that was condusive to sharing words. "Though I'm not sure that's what God brought you down for in the end..." I thanked him for shepherding the microphone in such a big meeting, and as I left said off-handedly "Maybe that word was meant for me."

As I went home, I noticed a little bit of pain in my knee. I had a choice. I could doubt that God had done what he promised or I could concent to giving him a night to do his work. I chose the later, and went to bed telling God I believed he was able to heal my knee and that I would be pain free at the amusement part the next day.

And I was. The pain was completely gone and I was on my feet all day Saturday. It's Monday now, and the pain hasn't returned. I even went cycling again yesterday and was fine.

I had gone to the service that night having flipantly said "maybe God will heal me." I should have known better - because he did, just now how I expected.

Oh, and that word I recieved?

"What then? Are we to sin because we are not under law but under grace? By no means! Do you not know that if you present yourselves to anyone as obedient slaves, you are slaves of the one whom you obey, either of sin, which leads to death, or of obedience, which leads to righteousness? But thanks be to God, that you who were once slaves of sin have become obedient from the heart to the standard of teaching to which you were committed, and, having been set free from sin, have become slaves of righteousness. " --Romans 6:15-18

I felt the Lord wanted us to know that excitement over the Gospel is good and right, but that same Gospel demands a response from us - that response is obedience, turning from our sin and turning to God.

What was it I said to John as I left? "Maybe that word was meant for me"? Well, it was. God confirmed that the very next morning when he revealed sin I'd been letting fester for months. God doesn't speak without speaking to someone.

God did heal me - it just wasn't how I expected. God did speak - it just wasn't to whom I expected. God's always moving - it's just rarely what I expect.

Mercy

A debter to mercy alone, of covenant mercy I sing
I come with your righteousness on, my humble offering to bring
The judgements of your holy law, with me can have nothing to do
My savior’s obedience and blood hide all my transgressions from you.

The work which your goodness began, the arm of your strength will complete
Your promise is ‘yes!’ and ‘amen!’ and never was forfeited yet
The future of things that are now, no power below or above
Can make you your purpose forego, or sever my soul from your love.

My name from the palms of your hands eternity will not erase
Impressed on your heart it remains in marks of indelible grace.
I till the end will endure until I bow down at your throne
Forever and always secure, a debtor to mercy alone.

Copyright 1998 Soveriegn Grace Praise (BMI) Soveriegn Grace Music
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That's a song written by the worship leader at my church, Bob Kaufflin. I'm sure I've mentioned him before. He's a real gift to our church. We sang this song in church a few weeks ago and I was reminded how much I love it. It came at a good time.

I was sick again a few weeks ago. It gets very discouraging having no idea what's triggering these episodes. I can very easily be tempted to self pity and anger. My husband can too. Especially when we can see no end in sight.

That's where this song has been very handy to me. "A debtor to mercy alone," it begins. I recently read a book character discribe it this way:

“My father lay dying, and until this medicine is administered, my husband does the same...and I am miles away from them both. ... I can often be tempted to believe that I don’t deserve to have had the life I have. I can start to believe that because my childhood had some dark times, I shouldn’t have to suffer during my adult years. I feel I’ve paid my due. I’m tempted to shake my fists at God and inform him that I deserve to keep my father and my husband – he has no right to take them from me, not after all that I’ve already lost. That’s what I start to think. ... But the Gospel tells me clearly that this is not the truth. What I deserve as a rebel against a good and holy God is death. That’s why Christ had to die in my place – he took the death that should have been dealt to me. And now that I’ve been reconciled to The Father, any trial that comes across my path is better than I deserve. I am indeed a debtor to His mercy. … No injustice is done to me if God takes my father. My father was a gift to me from God and he is God’s to take away. My husband was a gift from God, and is God's to take away. I do not deserve to keep them. What I deserve is death, and I’ve been spared. All other things are mercy.”

This character's father and husband of 3 days are both ill. It's fairly certain that her father will die soon, and unless her husband is treated quickly, he will die as well. When she gave this monologue she was making a mad dash to a different part of the country to retrieve the medicine that would cure her husband. That's a tough hand to have been dealt. But her perspective is helpful. I could say the same things about my health that she is saying about her loved ones. My health is a gift from God, and it's his to take away. No injustice is done to me if he chooses to take my health. I don't deserve to be healthy. What I deserve is punishment for my sins - death and eternity in hell, separated from God. But through Christ's death I've been spared this - and all other circumstances that cross my path, even if they're rigorous trials, are mercy, because they are far less than I deserve. I am a debtor to mercy - and I'd better remember it, because if I let my current, short-term circumstances cloud my vision I will grow bitter very quickly.

I heard a comical song by a christian comedian named Mark Lowry when I was a child. Part of the chorus went like this:

No matter where you are tonight you're doing pretty well
Because it sure beats hell.

No dicing words there. No matter what circumstances fall in our laps, if we have accepted Christ's death on our behalf and him as our savior, we're doing alot better than we would be alternatively. Without accepting Jesus, things will only get worse and stay worse. With accepting him, we can know that our sufferings are temporary and full, complete relief is coming. That's the mercy I'm endebted to.

"But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ--by grace you have been saved-- and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus." --Ephesians 2:4-7

This whole mercy thing confusing? See here for a better explaination.

AHA!! The internet is working again. Excellent. I've been waiting to write this post for a long time!!

Last week my cell phone broke. The phone function worked, but I couldn't see the screen. So I left it on the table and went about my housework. Well, it rang, and I picked up with no idea who it was.

"So your phone DOES still work!" came a joyful voice from the other end. Unmistakable. My best friend - I'll call her Joy.

"Hey!" I said. "How are you?" She giggled. Oh, I knew that giggle. "I guess you're fine..." *giggle* "How fine are you?" I asked.

"We're courting!" she snickered. When Joy snickers it's not in an evil cackle kind of way. She's just smiling so big that her lips don't form words properly. You learn to decipher - and even translate - after some time.

Some quick background. Joy and a super great guy (we'll call him David, because he's a swell leader and talented musician) have had their eye on each other for a long time, and I'd known forever that they'd be getting together soon. I just didn't know how soon.

So this was my big scene. I, as best friend, was scripted to say something deeply uplifting and encouraging. I think I performed well.

"Are you sure??" I screamed.

(Ok, so there had kinda been some back and forth with these two...are they courting?...are they not?... it was a natural question if you'd been there for the whole thing, believe me.)

After laughing, she confirmed that yes, she was sure, and told me the story. It was a great story, but I'll spare you. Joy and I prayed together and, though I'm sure I wasn't, I felt like I was rivaling her for smiling and squealing the most. Anyway, The important part of the conversation was that they were going on their first official date that Friday. David was going to surprise Joy.

Last weekend was the most suspenseful of my life. I seriously had to restrain myself from calling with one of those "psssssssssst! How's it going??" inquiries. But I stood firm, and waited for Monday.

The report was great!!!!!! It's their special time, so I'm not posting it here for the world to see, but it was a really fun time that glorified God and brought them both alot of joy. I heard David raving later about how Joy always and consistently points him back to God, and their first date was no exception.

I believe him - she does the same for me.


SO HAPPY FOR YOU GUYS!!!!!!!!!