Ezekiel 16

I struggle with sin. Every day, I struggle with sin. I've got a couple sins that I seem to enjoy more than the others. I committ them all the time. Sometimes it feels I'll never be able to stop. I can't phrase it better than Paul:

"I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate." -- Romans 7:15

So what's the solution? A helpful question my husband always asks me when I fall into sin for the ump-teenth time is this: "Do you hate this sin yet? Because you'll never be able to change until you hate it."

What he's asking is "are you grieved over this sin? Do you recognize it as rebellion against a holy, loving God? Do you realize that this very sin deserves wrath from God? Do you believe in your heart that Christ had to die for this specific sin?"

Most of the time I'm not thinking about my sin in those terms. When I make a harsh joke about my husband and hurt him, I can be tempted to think "what? It's not a big deal! It's not like I killed someone." I make less of my sin that I should. I need a perspective adjustment.

A familiar passage of scripture that has always helped me hate my sin is Ezekiel 16.

This chapter from the prophet Ezekiel's book is one of the most sobering I've ever read. In context, it's a warning to Israel from God to stop worshipping other gods and be faithful to him. But the imagery used to deliver this message is what I find most helpful when I feel the conviction of the Holy Spirit speaking to me, and telling me to turn from my sin and be faithful to God.

The imagery is that of an adulterous wife. This isn't just a wife who has one little affair. This woman was cast away into the dust at birth, without anyone so much as cleaning the birthing blood off her. No one showed her compassion. God the king came by and showed her mercy, and waited for her to grow, then married her, and the discription of the finery He adorned her with draws a drastic contrast to the condition in which the king found her. But this woman isn't satisfied with her husband, and runs after every man she can find, eventually paying them to lie with her.

What a slap in the face to the man who saved her very life. All he asked was that she be a faithful wife.

This is how seriously God takes my sin. I was no more able to save myself than a little baby just born. But God showed me mercy, and saved me from my sin, and called me to be fully committed to him and him only. When I sin, I'm breaking my committment to him, just like an adulterous wife.

This passage has been particularly powerful to me since I got married myself. I can't imagine betraying my husband like this woman did! I makes me nauseous! I love him too, too much to ever tolerate that kind of behavior from myself.

But I tolerate if of myself in relation to God.

Even though he commands me not to cheat on him with the suitor of anger, I do. Even though I know how deeply grieved and pained he is when I'm caught in bed with pride, I still do it. Just as my earthly husband would feel betrayed if I even flirted with another man after I'd sworn to be faithful to him, so God feels the same betrayal when I so much as flirt with sin. And God takes my sin as seriously as an earthly husband would take adultery.

My sin is very much "a big deal." When I need to remember that, I go to this passage. It isn't short. It doesn't leave one feeling warm and fuzzy. In fact it leaves you feeling filthy - but that's the reality of our sin. We're filthy. Yet at the close of the chapter God promises to remember his covenant with us and even atone for all we've done. That's the gospel. Ephesians 2:1-10 is my gospel hit when I feel like my sin will crush me. The gospel says that even though we're all adulterous wives, we can stand before God as a perfectly faithful wife, because Christ was perfectly faithful on our behalf. What a miracle...and what a relief!

So next time you're tempted to think "my sin isn't really that bad", read Ezekiel 16. I find I'm not so apt to justify my behavior after I have, but I am more apt to ask for grace to never hurt God like that again.

A contriversial post...

I just read a very good and well presented article. You may have noticed how much I enjoy the writing of Randy Alcorn by now, considering how much I quote the guy. But this is by far one of the best articles of his I've ever read.

It's not even an article, actually, it's a transcript of a speech he gave in 1996. It's long - it took me an hour to read it - but it was worth it.

The topic was abortion. I'm not secretive about my stance on this issue - I have a deep heart to see the practice stopped. I don't care so much about legality or illegality of the practice - my prayer is that the hearts of mothers and fathers (because that's what there is when a child is concieved) will again turn toward their children and not against them. I pray for a heart change, not just a legeslation change (though I pray for that too).

I'd encourage you to read the article.

Reasons Why Being Old Parents Will ROCK!

I was on the bus coming home from work recently when I realized I was 23.

"23!" I thought. "This is the year I wanted to be pregnant with my first kid..."

Fear seized my heart. I went home and talked to Stephan about projections for our life, and kids didn't seem to fit into the picture until I'm about 28 or 29...

"Oh NO!" My heart cried. "I'm going to be an OLD MOM!!"

Hold it.

"Old mom?" What's an old mom? In my mind it had become a mom who hasn't had her first child by 25. I know alot of women who will have had their first little one by 23, but my life is nothing like theirs. Stephan and I had to ask ourselves what we really wanted to have accomplished before we're parents, and there's really only 1 thing: me being a full time homemaker. Stephan will have to be able to support our family solo before we have children - and the way God has ordered our life, that still seems a few years off.

So, given all this, we ended praying alot and making a list of reasons why being "old parents" will rock! I refer to it regularly when I'm fearing being an old mom. If there are any women out there who find themselves in a similar situation, take heart! And feel free to c omment with additions to this list.

Reasons Why Being Old Parents Will ROCK!

1. We'll be wiser
2. We'll be financially established
3. We'll be able to afford a big family
4. We'll be able to afford a bigger house
5. We'll be able to live in a more rural area
6. Kari can be a full-time homemaker and mom
7. We'll have time to build a strong marriage
8. We'll have more time to give ourselves to church service / missions
9. We'll have more time to enjoy life together (do things like travel, or our ultimate dream, hike The Appalachian Trail.)
10. Kari will have more time to work herself into better physical shape before carrying a child
11. We'll be abel to afford multiple adoptions (a deep set, long-time dream of ours).

"Content in me"

At the beginning of my marriage, I experienced some unforseen problems. They were completely beyond my control. Struggle though I may, there was nothing I could do. I cried, begged, pleaded, wailed and anguished over my circumstances. I beseeched God to be merciful and take away my suffering.

But God wasn't out to remove my suffering. He was out to remove my iniquity.

After months of this I finally felt I heard from the Lord. His counsel this: "Work yourself to a place where if nothing changes you are content in me."

Not what I wanted to hear. I wanted the God I read about in the Old Testament to blaze in and slay my problems. But no. He was calling me to something higher - contentment severed from circumstances. It was a tall order.

But I tried to be faithful. I stopped praying "gimme" prayers and prayed that God would make me overwhelmingly joyful in my Salvation - my greatest need met. It was hard. In effect I had to completely release hope of my situation changing. I had to surrender it all to God.

I thought of the irony of praying to bring myself to a place where ideally, if God did chose to move in my situaion, I wouldn't really care. But God is kind. I'm always amazed. Within 2 weeks my circumstances had completely turned around. Everything I had been praying for before was granted me. And though it was a blessing, it wasn't the hinge on which my life swung - that was God. He brought me to that place through this trial. What an awesome gift!

I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Mercy

"...Or do you presume on the riches of his kindness and forbearance and patience, not knowing that God's kindness is meant to lead you to repentance?" --Romans 2:4

I got to spend some time with a great friend last night (we baked cookies for me and Stephan's mechanic!). In the course of our conversation this passage came up. I recounted to my friend how these verses had impacted my heart.

When I first read them, it was like a dart flew at me and lodged in my sternum. It didn't hurt, but, well, I was really aware of this dart protruding from my chest. "Do you presume on the riches of [God's] kindness and forbearance and patience, not knowing that [this] is meant to lead you to repentance?" Wow. Did I ever do that? Did I ever ignore the conviction of the Holy Spirit and chuckle to myself, thinking I was getting away with sin, thinking by stealth I had subverted God's rightful response to those sins? Um...yes. All the time. And when there are consequences of those sins, or God brings correction through my husband or friends, or he yanks an idol out of my life, my response is offense. "God!" I say "How could you?" R.C. Sproul talks about this in his book The Holiness of God. When God does act against our sin, we're shocked because his default is to be merciful with us, giving us time to repent before he punishes. How often I abuse and exploit this time and persist in my sin...my response should be repentance.

There's a prayer in the book Valley of Vision called Need for Grace that expresses what I felt after I recieved my dart:

Return again with showers of converting grace
to a poor gospel-abusing sinner.
Help my soul to breathe after holiness,
After a constant devotion to You,
After growth in grace more abundantly every day.

Make-Ahead Sandwich Spreads and Wrap Recipes

We're all short on time some days. I found this awesome list of sandwhich spreads you make ahead of time and keep covered in the fridge. It's basically a bunch of mixtures like classic chicken salad that can go in a tupperware and be there when you need it! There's also a similar list for wrap recipes - you could also chill these fillings for wraps on an busy day you know is looming this week.

These are great for kids' lunches or that evening when you've got to rush right off to caregroup, yet it's a far cry from sometimes-overused PB&Js. Enjoy!

What is Humility?

Humility is confessing sin.

Humility is joyfully thanking the person who just reminded you that you'd forgotten the Gospel.

Humility is being aware of your weaknesses and asking for prayer.

Humility is pointing out evidences of grace in other's lives and telling them you want to be more like them.

Humility is little thank-you notes with lavish encouragement.

Humility is accepting scripture-based correction.

Humility is seeking accountability.

Humility is admitting you struggle with the same things.

Humility is agreeing to recieve a phone call in the morning to make sure you get up for your quiet time.

Humility is knowing you're the worst of sinners and you'd be nothing apart from grace.

Humility is asking forgiveness.

Humility is granting forgiveness.

Humility is submitting to an imperfect husband, knowing that your a sinner who needs a savior just like he is.

Humility is the girls in my caregroup.

I love you girls, I cherish your example - I want to be more like you!

Tupperware!

If you recall, my husband and I are on a quest to eliminate The Infamous Plastic Bags from our lifestyle. We went to Target to that end on monday and found the most impressive food storage containers I've ever seen. Check 'em out!

Self-sufficiency

So I came to a realization this morning.

...or rather, God did some revealing.

I plan out my week at its onset. Then I'm at least somewhat prepared for what's rushing at me. I have a mind-dump page where I write down anything and everything that needs doing. I also have a series of questions I ask myself, and the answers yeild more to-dos. All these trickle down into my weekly plan. I assign each task to chunks of time, which I indicate as a big block on my daily schedule.

There's one block I hate drawing. The big one, the one that takes up 8 hours of my day. The one for work.

When I see that I have roughly 5 hours left in my day before I have to go to sleep only to get up and do it all again, I get pretty depressed. It seems like I'll never accomplish all the things that have trickled down from the master to-do list...

Here was the eureka moment. I was looking at my life through self-sufficent lenses. What does scripture say about that?

Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. --John 15:4-6

Apart from me you can do nothing. Nothing unclear about that. So when I start looking to myself for strength and ability, I'm going to stop bearing fruit. There's nothing mysterious at work here. My dependence had shifted from God to myself.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. --Proverbs 3:5

In all my ways I'm to acknowledge God. So when I was tempted to stay in bed yesterday morning, I needed to acknowledge god and ask for help. When I was frantic last sunday because of unforseen circumstances taking up 3 hours of my day, I needed to acknowledge God. When my husband I were shopping for tupperware? Yup, should've acknowledged God. Oh, and when I grabbed my toothbrush last night - should've acknowledge him then too.

Did I? Nope. And that's why my dependence has shifted. So what do I do to shift it back? Well, if I need any more incentive I can look around at the fruit that self-sufficiency is bearing in my life. Yuck. Practically, I need to acknowledge God in all my ways, and meditate on the truth that I really can do nothing apart from Him.

In an article on common grace, Randy Alcorn writes this powerful statement: "...[I]f no grace was shown to someone in rebellion against Christ, he couldn't draw his next breath, let alone commit his next sin." (emphasis mine) Wow. God patiently forebears with my rebellion and even sustains my sinful heart when I don't deserve it. I really can't do anything apart from God.

So, I'd appreciate your prayers as I try to overcome this gross sin. What better way is there to sabatoge yourself, eh? Praise God for his mercy.

Could it be?...

Ug, is anyone else feeling like they could lay their mug down on the nearest flat surface and clock out? I'm so tired today...But I was still up early and having my quiet time before setting out to work. One victory one for this Friday...

I've got a long night ahead of me. I'm meeting up with a friend and cooking! Can't wait. But before that I've got 2 more items on my to-do list that need be done before the weekend. One is folding the laundry. No problem, just need a pocket of time. The second thing is wash the plastic bags...

Yes, I'm one of those - those ecofreaks. I buy recycled toilet paper and paper towels. I use cloth napkins. I'm about 2 meals a month away from being vegetarian. I walk anywhere I can and take public transportation to work. I wear Birkenstock sandals all year (yes, all year). I don't wear makeup. My most exciting christmas present was the half-zip fleece made from recycled plastic soda bottles. I give the 3 bucks to "saving the bay" when I file my taxes. I have reusable grocery bags. I pick up trash along the road. I recycle. And I wash out my disposable plastic bags.

...No, I really do! I'm not kidding! But it's been about 2 weeks since I completed the daunting task, and the bags are piling up - about 45 of them. Maybe more. I hope to get them washed out and drying before I leave to meet my friend.

However, I'd sure like to be free of this burden. ...I know what you're thinking: "so just throw them away!" Well, I would, except it does save some money, and I've kinda got a soft spot for all things green. I just can't bring myself to do it. It's 15 minutes out of my week (less if I keep up with the darn things!)

I found a cool blog today by a vegan cook up in Washington State. She makes really cute lunches for her son everyday and posts them on her blog. It's called The Vegan Lunchbox - I'm not vegan, nor do I advocate veganism - or even vegetarianism - but there are alot of just cute ideas for fun kid lunches. Like look at this:

Autumn twigs and leaves!

While browsing this web site, I think I found the solution to my bag problem. See all the little containers in the lunch box? It's a tupperware-like set called Laptop Lunches - and I really want one. Definitely bringing this one up to the man I love most in the cosmos tonight!

A show of hands...

So, does anyone else out there struggle with wanting life to be different? Anyone? A show a hands please...yeah, just as I expected. We all do. I sure do. In fact, I'll raise both hands...and borrow my husband's on my behalf.

It seems like all the women in my life are getting what I want before I am. My list goes on and on, and they seem to be regularly checking off their desires while my list remains on the fridge, yellowing, with only 2 or 3 boxes checked and no new fulfillments on the approach.

I'm regularly tempted to bitterness and envy. And what's rediculous about it is that I get bitter and envious toward these other women. That really shows a misunderstanding on my part.

"At the end of the days I, Nebuchadnezzar, lifted my eyes to heaven, and my reason returned to me, and I blessed the Most High, and praised and honored him who lives forever, for his dominion is an everlasting dominion, and his kingdom endures from generation to generation; all the inhabitants of the earth are accounted as nothing, and he does according to his will among the host of heaven and among the inhabitants of the earth;and none can stay his hand or say to him, "What have you done?"" --Daniel 4:34-35

These are the words of King Nebuchadnezzer of Babylon. He was maddened and restored to sanity by God, and this was his inspired cry after the ordeal. It tells me a few things about my circumstances.

First, that God is an undying, all powerful King. "His dominion is an everlasting dominion, and his kingdom endures from generation to generation." Second, that I am not. "All the inhaitants of the earth are accounted as nothing, and he does according to his will among the host of heaven and aong the inhabitants of the earth; and none can stay his hand or say to him, "What have you done?""

God works his will among the inhabitants of the earth. Compared to God's power to accomplish his purpose, we are 'accounted as nothing'.

So when I look at these other women and have hostile feelings toward them, I'm misunderstanding God's soveriegnty. Do I really believe they have any more power to accomplish their purposes than I do? That's what I'm functionally saying with my sinful feelings toward them. And what does that say about my view of God in those moments? That he isn't sovereign over their lives. And by proxy, aren't I saying that God isn't sovereign over my life? And worse - that he isn't good?

Yep, that's the heart of it. "God, you aren't good." This is a pretty serious charge against a God who does nothing except for my good and withholds no good thing from me. Looks like I need to grab hold of some promises and readjust my thinking.

Here's the reality of what I'm wanting when I desire everything now: I'm wanting it outside God's timing. How dangerous. God's timing is perfect - why would I desire anthing less than perfection?

Here's what I should be thinking:

"Good and upright is the LORD; therefore he instructs sinners in the way. He leads the humble in what is right, and teaches the humble his way. All the paths of the LORD are steadfast love and faithfulness, for those who keep his covenant and his testimonies." --Psalm 25:8-10

God is Good. He works all things to his plan. He brings about all things in his perfect timing. Everything from his hand is good.

Something I always say to my friends is "Premature fruit is bitter - wait for it to ripen." Looks like I need to take that advice myself and wait patiently on the Lord.

"Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him, and he will act. He will bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday. Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way..." --Psalm 37:4-7a

I should probably go back and read my field of flowers post too...and the one on the gospel.

Never Mourn

Never mourn a chilly dawn
When still it dries the dew
Never mourn the summit reached
When the next peak’s in view

Never mourn the fallen tree
When now’s revealed the moon
Never mourn one herald bud-
‘Means spring is coming soon.

Never mourn a cloudy night
When stars cannot be killed
Never mourn the river’s flight
When the sea is all but filled!

Never mourn the end of light
When dawn is at her loom
Never mourn the fall of dusk
Each midnight has its noon.

Never mourn the earthly trial
When promises were made
By effectively pierced hands
To see your ransom paid.

Never mourn the loss of that
Which can’t persist in heaven
Never mourn the loss of that
Which purges you of leaven

Never mourn the cords of love
That no weapon can sever
Never mourn the manacles
Which bind you to forever

Never mourn the price He paid
Which no man can annul
Never over-mourn the sin
That’s been atoned in full

Sir Sisyphus Hillary

I hate snow. ...or rather I hate day-old snow. The snow we got on Saturday has turned into hard packed clumps, all dirty brown and asphalt gray. It's disgusting. It's not pretty and magical anymore.

But Saturday it was a different story. It had been coming down in flurries all day, and these were big flake flurries. All the leaves have long since lost their grip and the trees out on the tot-lot were barren, but filled with red-breasted robins. By Saturday night at 10 o'clock, I had made a resolution.

Stephan loves snow. He'd been waiting all winter for this snow fall. I was exhausted due to alot of contributing factors - and still hadn't had my quiet time for the day either - but decided no matter how late it got, we definitely had to go out and romp in this snow.

I had my quiet time and around 11 I asked Stephan if he wanted to go out in the snow. I don't think he believed that I was serious, being as I historically hate the snow and the cold and those things are so much worse at night. But nonetheless, 4 gaiters, 2 pairs of boots, 2 jackets, 4 gloves, 2 pairs of rain pants, 2 hats and a scarf later we stumbled out into the knee deep snow.

At first we just ran for all we were worth, tripping and stumbling, flinging snow shrapnel and more planned snow balls. Stephan took a nasty spill once, and I started rolling up another snow ball. As I rolled, the ball grew and grew. "Wanna make a snowman?" I asked. "Sure!" he replied. We both started rolling snow balls. They quickly became snow boulders. Mine's diameter was safely up to my chest. I entertained the pipedream of rolling the biggest snow boulder of all time and leaving it to baffle people in the morning, but soon I had to start rolling it down hill to make the pushing easier. Then I had to enlist Stephan to get it back up those same hills. I let go the dream of the biggest snow bloulder ever when the boulder started pushing me instead of me pushing it. When it reached a mass that we couldn't move at all anymore we picked a spot for it and moved on to the middle section. That one was about to my waist when we stopped (for similar immobilizing reasons).

This was where luck turned on us. We were really tired (it was almost midnight by this point), we'd already been pushing a chest-high snow boulder around for a half hour, and this present snow boulder had to be lifted onto the first one. The success of the snow man venture depended on getting that boulder atop the other. After several attempts at team work and brute force, we decided to appeal to my best friend (and Stephan's worst aggitator):

Physics.

The only way we could move this boulder was by rolling it. So we rolled it up onto the slide of the playground. We thought with a little elevation we could lift it, but were unsuccessful. I then had the brilliant idea of rolling the boulder onto the back of a kneeling Stephan, then having him crawl over to the first boulder while I kept it steady atop him. Again unsuccessful. We ended up dragging a bench out of the nearby gazebo and rolling the boulder onto that (from the slide), then tilting the bench so the seat and back formed a V. In this way we shinnied the bench over to the base boulder, and leanign the bench up against it, were able to use the bench as a ramp to man-handle the mid section atop the base.

"Get round the other side!" Stephan yelled to me. I was around fast enough to prevent the boulder from rolling right off the back and onto the ground again. It was at that time I suggested naming the snowman Sisyphus.

Stephan held the middle boulder in place while I packed the joint with snow. We kept packing until the two boulder shapes were visibly gone and we pretty much had a cylinder. We rolled the head and hoisted it (with much less drama) on top, again nearly pushing it right over top and onto the ground again. Again I packed snow while Stephan steadied the ball (I was just barely able to reach it by this point, the thing was so tall).

Now we had our skeleton. It was already so late that we'd forgotten about 'trying to get to bed at a reasonable time' and were completely absorbed in our project. We packed snow on the snowman for shoulders and arms holding his bulging belly, and Stephan made two big feet. I fashioned a fez-like beanie and capped our man (standing on a bench, of course). Stephan added a pom-pom (also standing on a bench).

The night-owls among our neighbors (who'd been sitting at their kitchen tables watching us most of the time) started coming out on their balconies and watching. We greeted them and chatted until their cigarettes were gone and they retired. Back to work.

We pulled the bench up around Sisyphus' front and gave him a real face: a protruding nose, a brow line, cheekbones and a big, open-mouth smile. He was done.

We went in and got the camera and took pictures. It had started snowing again by this time, so there are alot of flecks in teh pictures, but you can see that the snowman is easily eight or nine feet tall. That's when I suggested the last name Hillary. Stephan concented.

We fell asleep pretty quickly upon retiring. I have to get up at 6 to take a time-sensitive medication, and when I did I noticed that the duvet comforter hadn't moved an inch from where I'd neatly laid it while making the bed the day before. We'd slipped under it and slept so sound we hadn't dilodged it at all. That's pretty unusual for us. We sometimes end up with the sheets hanging off one side and the comforter trailing into the closet. Dont' ask me how it happens.

When we rose for breakfast the next morning we had another surprise. You can imagine this snowman mopped up most of the snow in the playground area. When we looked out the window Sunday morning, all the tracks were gone. Sisyphus stood in the middle of a pure, unadulterated snow field. It was almost eerie. Kinda like crop circles, but it was a 9-foot snow man.

We went out in the morning and snapped a few more pictures, both in our hearts knowing what would happen to the fruit of our labor later that day. We were right. By 3 that afternoon Sisyphus was destroyed by some punk kids in our neighborhood. I don't know what it is about children that they have to destroy things. Oh well. God is soveriegn. We didn't actually see it happen, but Stephan noticed Sisyphus sections rolled to the other side of the lot. We actually had some respect for the scoundrels after that, considering that 2 adults had to really put their shoulders to those boulders to make them move. It must have taken 3 or 4 of the little buggers. It certianly took a ralley of strength and teamwork, and for that I tip my hat to them.

So why bother, you may ask? Well, in the immortal words of Sisyphus' surname sake, "Because it was there."

Make much of...

Boy, the snow came down late on Saturday, didn't it! My husband and I had quite the adventure, but hopefully I'll have pictures ready for tomorrow's post.

The snow made church a little interesting. Both morning services were canceled and the whole congregation met for one 5pm service. They introduced a new song during worship that really spoke to me. I wanted to share it:

How could I stand here
and watch the sun rise
or follow the mountains
to where they touch the sky
or ponder the vastness
and the depths of the sea
and think for a moment
the point of it all
was to make much of me?
Cause I'm just a whisper
and you are the thunder

I want to make much of you Jesus
I want to make much of your love
I want to live today to give you the praise
You alone are so worthy of
I want to make much of your mercy
I want to make much of the cross
I give you my life
take it and let it be used
to make much of you

How can I kneel here
and think of the cross
the thorns and the whip
and the nails and the spear
the infinite cost
To purchase my pardon
and bear all my shame
and think I have anything
worth boasting in
except for your name?
Cause I am a sinner
And you are the savior!

I want to make much of you Jesus
I want to make much of your love
I want to live today to give you the praise
You alone are so worthy of
I want to make much of your mercy
I want to make muhc of the cross
I iv eyou my life
take it and let it be used
to make much of you

Wow. I felt like I just couldn't raise my hands high enough. What an adjustment.

We can't view ourselves correctly until we view God correctly. When we have the proper perspective of God, this song becomes the cry of our heart - we aren't interested in making much of ourselves, but offering ourselves to make much of Him.

I'm praying that this would be my perspective.

Sin

My husband is a really smart guy. He catches things. I don't usually catch them until he points them out to me. It's that way with my sin a lot.

We were coming home from Caregroup (which is our weekly bible study) last week and Stephan made an astute observation:

"It's so much easier to turn from our sin when we call it like it is."

Pretty profound. If you recall the post from February 6th (Watch your language!) you'll remember it was about just that - calling sin what it is. When we euphemise our sin, we make it sound less severe. It's not as bad to 'get ticked off' as it is to 'get enraged.' What Stephan was saying was when we call sin sin instead of softening our language, the true severity of our actions is laid bare, and though the stakes had never changed, they seem higher to a mind that is used to illusory lower ones. When we view the stakes and severity correctly, the truth is that they are much higher and of grater gravity than our language lets on. In this perspective - the true perspective - it's certainly easier to turn from our sin because we see it for what it is: death-deserving rebellion and grieving to God.

This has been my experience lately. I've started praying that God would start helping me 'un-neutralize' my language and help me call my sin sin. With his help it's happening more often, and I'm finding it easier to repent when I recognize the gravity of what I'm doing. When I call "feeling icky" what it truly is - discontent self-pity - I remember that those sins nailed Jesus to the cross. That's exactly what he died to set me free from, and calls me to turn from. Just feeling 'icky' sounds like it has nothing to do with God at all. I myself can be deceived by such neutral terms, and in that deception I believe that it's not really sin - or even not-sin - that I'm dealing with. It's just feeling icky. What a dangerous place to be...

Stephan and I were having our quiet times this morning. He shut his bible and said "Man, the more I read, the more I realize that I sin all the time." It's true - we're completely permeated. Answer me this: can you walk through the mall or drive to work without thinking badly about someone - without ever thinking "I'd could do that task better than that person" (would you call that pride or "honest assessment"?) "That color was a terrible choice for them!" (would you call that arrogance or "constructive criticism"?) "Hm, drives a Hummer. Probably a stuck up person. " (would you call that judgmental or "calling it like it is"?) "Trying to cut me off, huh? No way man, I deserve better treatment than that." (would you call that pride or "self-respect and confidence"?) I find I'm usually throwing uncharitable judgments with both hands as quickly as I can pick 'em up! If we're honest, we're all looking at the world through me-colored-glasses, and whenever we do that, we're going to sin - because we are focused on ourselves instead of our God.

May I encourage you all to change your glasses? Try gospel-colored-glasses for a day. Try asking yourself "did Christ have to die to save me from the consequences of that thought/action/statement?" I think you'll be surprised at how bad the problem of your own sin is - but yet glad that God was merciful and revealed it. It's easier to stop an action when we're honest about that action advancing the 'good guys' or the 'bad guys'. Jesus says in Luke 12 that all things will come to light one day. Why not turn our flashlights on now and start weeding this stuff out - and save ourselves some bitter surprise on judgment day? Remember the condition of your heart:

The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it? --Jeremiah 17:9

Distrust your heart. Don't let it tell you "this action is neutral, neither sin nor non-sin". Nothing is neutral. It's either for God or against him. Try categorizing your world like this. I think you'll find it easier to lay down sin and take up righteousness when you do. It's sure helping me!

I'm Back

Sorry to anyone who may check here faithfully - Blogger's been giving problems the past few days.

But we're back now and with a new look! I figured I owed it to myself - I've been keeping this journal pretty faithfully for a couple months now! Whacha think?

It's not myteacup

"Sometimes when I'm speaking," Randy Alcorn writes, "I ask to borrow a pencil from someone in the audience. Then I break it in half, throw it to the floor and stomp on it. There's always a wide-eyed silence and expressions of shock and discomfort in the audience. I ask them why they're bothered by what I've done, why they think I did something wrong. Someone always says "because it wasn't your pencil." Then I explain that it really was my pencil, that I gave it to the person ahead of time and asked her to hand it to me when I called on her. Suddenly it changes everything, because if it belongs to me, then (and only then) do I have the right to do with it as I please. If it belongs to someone else, I have no such right."

I was reading in my quiet time yesterday when the above illistration by Randy Alcorn came to mind. Here's the scripture I was reading:

"Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body." --1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Wow. The context of this verse is sexual purity, which by God's grace isn't something I struggle with. But I was still affected by the magnitude of this claim. If I go to Target and buy a teacup, that's my teacup. I paid my money for it. I get to use it and dictate how it's used. I am supreme Lord over that teacup.

So here's the reality shown me in scripture: God has purchased me. He purchased me on the Cross. My ransom to sin was paid by Christ's death. I'm God's teacup.

Randy Alcorn continues the example above:

"When you came to Christ, when you affirmed him as Lord of your life, you surrendered your entire self, including your body, to God. The title to your life was transferred from you to God. Christ owns you and your body. You are bought and paid for. "Your body" is really his body. He paid the ultimate price for it. What price? The shed blood of God Almighty! We are his both by virtue of his creation and his redemption. God has every right to tell me what to do with my mind and body. I have no right to do whatever I want with what belongs to God." (emphasis added)

I have to say this isn't something I've given much thought to. My life belongs to God. This has implications for every square foot of my life. I can so often have the mentality that it's my life and I can do whatever I want with it. I'm not really paying attention. Well, I'd better start. I wouldn't want someone treating my teacup badly while it was in their stewardship.

All quotes by Randy Alcorn are taken from the article "Guidelines for Sexual Purity: What you need to know and do". (accessed 7 Feb 2006)

At a loss...

Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified. --Romans 8:26-30

How I'm clinging to this passage today...

Ever feel completely at a loss for what to do or say? That's me today - got stuff weighing on my heart and I'm just sitting in my chair, completely at a loss...I feel weak and ineffective. I don't even know how to pray...

Well, apparently God's not surprised by these feelings of mine. In fact, he's already allotted for their presence. The opening words in this passage confirm that there's already holy back-up in place when I don't know how to pray - the Holy Spirit helps me in my weakness and intercedes on my behalf.

And here's better knews - the spirit not only intercedes on my behalf, but he prays perfectly on my behalf. He is privy to the perfect will of God and can pray according to it. And as this passage goes on to encourage us, all things in God's plan work together for the good of those who love him and were called according to his purpose (v8). I wish I could pray in perfect alignment with God's will. But somedays (like today) I just don't know how to pray at all. Most of the rest of the time my own sin keeps me from praying prayers in line with God's will. Either way, reinforcements are present.

Does this mean we should just stop praying at all? No, scripture wouldn't support that. When there's no other clarity on specifics to pray for, we can always simply tell God that we desire his will to come to pass, and express belief to him that his plan is perfect and all things work together for the good of those who love him.

We mustn't forget to end where this passage ends - with the gospel. Cling to the hope of future glory by God's grace through Jesus - Thank god for it, and move on in faith because of it.

I'd appreciate these same prayers for me if I come to your mind today.

Watch your Language!

My husband is taking a discipleship class at our church. He's recently decided to start photocopying his class articles and giving them to me so we can discuss them. I'm super excited. We did our first article last night. It's titled Watch your Language! and funnily enough, it has little to do with swearing.

Here's a very poingiant paragraph explaining how important our language is in God's eyes:

Scirpture warns us to tak our language seriously. The battle for the tongue is the battle for the Christian life. Jesus once described the judgement day as the time when men would give account "for every careless word they utter" (Mathew 12:36). Our use of language, he said, defined the difference between the saved and the unsaved. "By your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned" (Matthew 12:37). Language is so important because it reveals who you are. Good trees bear good fruit, and bad trees, bad fruit. Each man brings forth what is inside; "out of the abundance of hte heart his mouth speaks" (Luke 6:45). There fore,Paul Exhorts those who have put off the old man to "let no eveil talk come out of your mouhts, but only such as is good for edifying, as fits the occasion, that it may impart grace to those who hear" (Ephesians 4:29).

Pretty serious stuff. The article then goes on to confirm that yes, foul and profane language is foul and profane, but there are other forms of bad language that Christians need to be on guard against. I was particularly affected by this:

The world is constantly looking for ways to make it's behavior sound normal, acceptable, and right...[For example, w]e live in a society where excessive spending is common. Yet we rarely hear the word greed used to describe it. Such a lifestyle is merely "comfortable". ...Terms not only describe; they interpret. When we use a word such as gossip, many biblical images and exhortations come to mind - as well they should. When we try to describe the same activity in a more "neutral" fashion, what we really do is describe it in an unbiblical way. God's descriptive categories are not neutral ..."Neutrality" is really a surrender to unbelief. It is a refusal to speak and think from God's perspective. Speaking "neutrally" is a failure to proclaim God's truth to a lost world and call it to repentance.

Now we begin to see the point and purpose of the article: "All of our words, like all of our actions, reflect either obedience to God or disobedience." Our words are telling. By using words that discribe actions as neither good nor bad, just there, we're neutralizing something that is either good or bad. We speak as if emotions and reactions just "happen" or just "exists", thus eliminating our reponsibility for them. In one accurate sentence the author uses the example "I was just "cranky," not really unkind or unloving or hateful." Wow.

A critical supporting point the author makes is that we remove the responsibility off ourselves and onto our circumstances. The situation caused the anger in me, instead of I reacted angrily in the midst of the situation. What a huge difference! Here's some imagry that I found extremely wise, insightful and enlightening:

A person is like a sponge; the circumstances of our lives squeeze the sponge. What comes out of a sponge when you squeeze it? Well, that dependes on what was in the sponge to begin with. If the sponge was soaked with ink, ink would come out; if it was soaked with water, then water would come out. So it is with the believer. If you are full of the life of Jesus, then you respond to unpleaseant circumstances in Christlike ways. If you are full of worldiness and selfish cravings, then your behavior relects this likewise. ... So circumstances squeeze the sponge. And ink comes out. Why? There are two possible answers: (1) because the sponge was squeezed (why ink came out) ; or (2) because ink is in the sponge (why ink came out). The bible's answer to the "why" question is the second. God's interest is in why ink came out,
rather than something else.

Is it any wonder that there's more stuff underlined in my copy of this article than not? How helpful! And how adjusting - God isn't interested in the fact that I'm a sponge being squeezed - he's looking at what's wringing out of me. We live in a sinful, fallen world - we're going to be squeezed. It's inescapable. Our attention shouldn't be consumed by the squeeze - it should be focused on what's coming out of us when the squeeze is on. We can't control the squeeze, but we can change our output - and isn't that what Christian living is all about? Controlling our output?

He discribes another temptation that we can easily fall prey to. I found this also incredibly helpful:

There is often a temptation to think of these sinful reactions as being caused both by your sinful heart and difficult circumstances. This is the subtle temptation of self-righteousness: to blame yourself, but only partially; to take some reponsibility, but only some. ...We tend to explain sinful behavior by talking about the situation. We
say we did something because...and don't admit that our hearts are the only cause. Is that so bad? Yes! It's subtle; but these kinds of statements about causes and motives are an attack on God's truth. We half excuse oruselves adn so can't rightly repent. By pointing to our circumstances rather than to ourselves, we are robbed of faith that things can really be different. Circumstances might again be unpleasant. [We have no guarantee that bad circumstances won't befall us again. If that's why we produce ink when squeezed,] it will happen again. But in Christ [we have]
a greater and more realistic hope. [We have] the gospel to change [us].

Ah, the cure that heals all hurts, the Gospel. I always appreciate it when authors writing on any topic bring the reader's attention back to this. In a powerful closing paragraph, the author says this:

Don't be overwhelmed by the process. If you look at your speech adn see sin everywhere, that's an encouraging first step! Unless our experience of sin abounds, our experience of grace cannot much more abound. Grace abounds much more when a heightened awareness of sin drives us both to deeper repentence and a greater appreciation of the awesome power of Christ in setting us free, both in forgiving and transorming us.

Hope is always found in the 'power of christ' - the gospel.

I read this article yesterday afternoon, and I can't believe the difference it has made in my speech so far. My husband unknowingly offended me yesterday, and I withdrew from him. Because he didn't realize his action had hurt me, he approached me to give me a hug like he normally would. I shrugged him off and exclaimed "No." "Why?" he asked, confused. "Because I'm grudging!" I screamed. We were both silent for a second, then I began giggling, and he followed, and soon we were both in histarics. "How disarming!" I commented when we were through. How disarming indeed. The day before I would have said "Because I don't feel like it!"- and this never gave anyone any clue as to what had happened, what the problem was, and how to work toward reconciliation. But with a simple shift to using a more accurate word to discribe my heart, it took no time to reconcile with my husband - the problem was immediately identified, blame was (rightly) placed on me and I couldn't hide from it.

Comical though it was, it was a hugely encouraging experience for me. For years I've lamented to Stephan that sometimes emotions will well up within me so fast that I can't discern them before I'm completely overtaken. But after reading this article, instead of telling Stephan "I'm upset", I can say "I'm angry!" or "I'm fearful!" or "I'm depressed." - and that's much less vague. Scripture provides direction for how to handle these sins, it doesn't speak about vaguities like "I'm bummed." There's hope in clarity.

All quotes taken from "Watch your Language!" by E. Bradley Beevers, The Journal of Biblical Counseling, Volume XII, Number 3, Spring 1994

The Book

The Book is starting to get a reputation. Granted The Book has only been in existence for about a week, but it's already taken over. The Book definitely runs the show.

So what's The Book? Well, simply put, it's accountability in a three-ring binder. My husband has always been my spiritual watch dog. He gently brings my sin to my attention when he sees it. The problem is I don't always listen.

For a time I was idolizing my home - I wanted it to be perfectly clean and efficient. I ran myself ragged trying to keep this unattainable standard. I grew discontent, bewailing to my husband that if I could just quit working and be a full time wife, I'd wouldn't be a burn-out waiting to happen. Boy, was that a lie... Stephan had been suggesting I pray about how I viewed my home for weeks. But I ignored him. And shame on me - because he was right. I had made a spotless home priority over everything else in my life. My husband was feeling neglected - he felt he'd lost his best friend. My relationships with my friends and family were suffering. I wasn't serving in the Church. I wasn't even taking care of myself. These were big problems.

So I sat down and invented The Book. In it I keep not only my calendar and my homekeeping to-do lists, but also different papers to hold myself accountable to have my quiet time each day, maintain my relationship with others, think daily of how I can bless my husband and others in my life, give priority to the things Stephan has asked me to, daily work toward long term goals, remember special occasions, and even relax a little each week. My life was overhauled thanks to my husband and mostly to my gracious God.

So - I'm asking for accountability. Ask me how The Book is working out. I've already seen much fruit from it and I want to keep up this diligence!

Responsibility

What then is Apollos? What is Paul? Servants through whom you believed, as the Lord assigned to each. I planted, Apollos watered, but God gave the growth. So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God who gives the growth." --1 Corinthians 3:5-7

I formed a very close friendship with an unsaved girl not to long ago. She shared alot of her life with me, and I with her. She told me she didn't choose to share these things with anyone else - I'd been singled out. I began to feel pressure. I began to feel responsible for her putting her faith in Christ for her salvation.

I emailed a wise friend and asked him for council. "Why me?" I wrote. "Why did God choose me as the person she'd open her life up to? I'm not wise enough to answer her questions! I'm going to mess up and she'll never come to the Lord because of my failure."

He answered me in one very wise sentence that has stuck with me, and will forever: "Avoid feelings of responsibility, because functionally, you're saying with your actions that you save souls instead of God." This is exactly what Paul was telling the Corinthians in the passage above. God assigns people to share the gosple, but ultimately it isn't the person who does the saving work - it's God. Paul doesn't mince words about that. "So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God who gives the growth."

Christian, is there someone in your life you've been praying for for years to come to know Jesus as their savior? Is there a life you've sown into that seems to be unresponsive, or even hostile? Is your heart breaking over a loved one who mocks the Gosple and how it informs your life? Cling to this passage - remember you are called to plant and water, but we humans can't force growth.

I planted an herb garden last year. I stuck the seeds in the soil and I watered them, then I sat and hoped. The growth itself was beyond my power. I could only hope that by being faithful to plant and water, these little plants would grow.

It's the same with our unsaved friends and family. We have no control over growth - we can't reach into the soil and forcefully pull green stuff out. Nor can we just stare at the dirt and hope for trees. We have to be faithful to plant and water - and leave the miracle of growth up to God.

My husband

If I'm right, my husband will be out at a local sandwich shop taking advantage of the free internet sometime soon... So I wanted this to be waiting for him.

Stephan, every time I think you can't become any more like Christ, you do. You're growing in leaps and bounds. I'm so proud of you for how you're throwing yourself into your discipleship class with the same ferver you did for your college courses. I'm provoked by your example of consistancy in your quiet times. I'm spurred on by your humility and your readiness to confess and repent for your sin. I'm helped by your leadership. I'm blessed by your consistant affection and attention. My prayers for you so easily can become prayers of thanks to God before I remember you need practical prayer too (but I do remember, every day. Don't worry =). I am overwhelmed with thanks for you. Thank you for using every day to show me we both need a savior - and we both have one!

I love you - have a good day and remember the gospel

Value

I remember going to see Hotel Rwanda with my husband some time ago. One preview opened with 4 uncertain, shy looking children, with little tags attached to their overcoats looking around as if waiting for something. Then a woman in a horse drawn wagon approached them. The eldest boy made a two word inquiry: "Mrs. McReady?" I didn't need to hear any more. I grabbed my husband's knee and leaned forward in my chair, eyes wide as dinner plates. I don't think I was even breathing. He jumped and asked "what?!"

"Narnia," was all I could get out.

I don't think I'm the only one who was so excited when this movie was announced. I've read the book series a number of times. I'm 23, fairly well read, and I still bestow the covented titled of "favorite books" on that honored series.

C.S. Lewis obviously wrote the series in the order he wrote the series. No debate there. However, some publishers have taken it upon themselves to 'correct' the order of the books, and now they've renumbered the books, trying to put them in chronological order. In my mind, this is a terrible tragedy. What's the fun of the story if none of the secrets are left to be revealed?Putting the books in 'chronological order' removes the mystery in many instances. I've never appreciated it.

I explain this merely so you understand my stance. I respect any who appreciate the chronological publications (although they'd have to stick A Horse and His Boy inbetween the second-to-last and last chapters of The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe to be truly chronological, but allow them their delusions...). But here's what really irks me: you cannot buy the correctly numbered books anymore. All modern publications are numbered chronologically. Books numbered in the order that Lewis wrote them in are unavailable today.

But I have a set, published back in the 70s, that is numbered in the order that Lewis wrote them. And given my purist feelings, they're extremely valuable to me.

My husband also had a set of correctly numbered books, just like mine. He brought them along when we got married. So now we have two. But recently his mother asked to borrow them to use with her tutoring students. Stephan concented, thinking nothing of it. But when I learned of it, my heart clenched in my chest. "You're giving them away?" I asked in horror. I couldn't bear the thought of parting with them.

So what's happening here? Kari had found her treasure - so Kari had found her heart.

Sell your possessions, and give to the needy. Provide yourselves with moneybags that do not grow old, with a treasure in the heavens that does not fail, where no thief approaches and no moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also. -Luke 12:33-34

I was so attached to those books that the very thought of parting with them struck terror into my heart. I'm not exaggerating - I reacted pretty violently. Scripture says that that shows my heart is where it shouldn't be: it's wrapped up in a moneybag that will grow old, a treasure that can be stolen or destroyed.

Where should my treasure have been?

If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. --Colosians 3:1-2

Things above, things of God - things that last and have value into eternity. I can't take my books with me to heaven. When I die, all seven of them are staying here.

My friend made a very astute observation the other day. She and her husband had just bought a new car. She was recounting how, with her old car, she didn't really care if it were treated badly. But now, with her new car, she cared very much. What had happened? A car was still a car - but my friend attaches more value to the new car than the old.

My books are at least 30 years old. I have a brand new set that my parent's bought me in London, with hard covers and a beautiful box to keep them in. But they're numbered chronologically. My old set is infinitely more valuable to me than those because I attach more value to them.

Is it wrong to value things? I dont think scripture would support that - however, as we're seeing here, it would support a propotional drop in value in these earthly things in relation to things of God. What would happen if we attached less value - and subsequently less of our heart - to our possesions and our money, and more value to God's glory and sharing the Gosple? We'd probably see radical life-changes in many many people - especially those touched by someone who was willing to value another's salvation and well being above their own personal gain. What a difference it would make!

We dropped the books off at my mother-in-law's house within half an hour of that conversation - and with joy. It was hard for me to let go of those books, knowing a little child learning to read may spill a juice box on them or allow it to be ruined in the bottom of their back pack, but I did - and now there's one less cord chaining me to earthly, perishing things and keeping me from placing my whole treasure in heaven. Any chain is hard to break by definition - but it's worth it. God was kind to reveal this one to me.

So where's your treasure? Are you laying it up in heaven to be collected in full and kept for eternity - or are you overvaluing temporal things and stockpiling here on earth only to leave it all behind when you die? God doesn't want this for us, hence the warnings against attachement to earthly treasures. What chains are keeping you from putting your whole treasure in God?