Reason to Hope

I came back into the living room this morning, holding a Midol loosely in my limp fingers. But I don't think that was what made my husband shut his bible and gather me quickly into his arms. He knows that look in my eyes - the lusterless film of another hope deferred and the countenance of a heart growing sicker and sicker...

I wrote a post over two years ago called "a show of hands..." In it I said the following:

"It seems like all the women in my life are getting what I want before I am. My list goes on and on, and they seem to be regularly checking off their desires while my list remains on the fridge, yellowing, with only 2 or 3 boxes checked and no new fulfillments on the approach."

My life hasn't changed much in 2 years... My list is still tacked to the fridge - and it isn't so yellow anymore...it's turning an awful shade of brown... I

try not to, but my heart keeps another little list of all the things God hasn't given me - and then a sub-list of all the circumstances he's orchestrated that magnify the pain I feel at not having those things. I'd never done it before, but a few nights ago I sat down and got real with God, laying my catalogue before him and telling him exactly what was on my sinful mind.

"Why are you doing this to me?" I asked, not charging him, but truly confused at this pattern of laying a desire before me, having it look promising, even hopeful, then removing the fulfillment. "One more 'no'..." I'd say in these situations, and they abounded. I wasn't trying to garner pity from the God of the universe - it's just that if he truly was the God of the Bible, which he IS, then he was purposing these things for my good and betterment. Not feeling good or better, I was appealing for help, and, if it pleased him, clarity.

As I rambled on, I heard old counsel ringing in my ears. "You could have it worse - some women aren't even married..." But somehow, comparing myself to people who 'had it worse' wasn't salve to my soul (though I do need to be more grateful) - in fact, it almost encouraged me to make comparisons in the other direction as well. What of the people who had it better? More old counsel..."They may have gotten something you desire," my memory said, "but they're probably struggling in a different area. Everyone has their trial."

I clenched my fists. But at least they have a bright spot in their life to take comfort from as they face their hope deferred... I thought. Where's my bright spot? I just want some desire of my heart fulfilled that I can point to and say 'I may not have X, but I have Y, so it's not so bad.'

My heart is an ugly place. Scripture calls it "deceptive above all things and desperately sick", unable to be understood by any man. The more I see of it, the more I hate it. This time was no different. I shut my eyes in disgust as the Spirit revealed what was going on. I hadn't thought it would be God's fault - but I wasn't quite expecting this news.

"Be appalled, O heavens, at this; be shocked, be utterly desolate, declares the LORD, for my people have committed two evils: they have forsaken me, the fountain of living waters, and hewed out cisterns for themselves, broken cisterns that can hold no water." --Jer 2:12-13

You don't want ME, I heard the Lord say. He was right. I want many other things, and I want them badly. These things have paraded in front of me over the past few years, and have gotten close enough for me to realize I want them. It hurts like a blow when they slip through my desperate gropings, and the force of the blow increases every new time I receive a 'no' from the Lord. Another chance at part time work impossible...another month without the hope of motherhood...another service opportunity given to someone else or made infeasible by existing, restrictive circumstances... There are more categories than this, and numerous examples within each category. I feel like Hannah, who's suffering scriptures says 'went on year after year'. It's so painful - I feel like my bones are rotting.

I've always known God was in it, and I've never charged him with being a meanie - but I've laid my confusion before him over and over again, sometimes in frustrated tones, sometimes through sobs and tears. I didn't see his good for me in it all. I've asked him for years to show me, if it pleased him, his purpose for me in my sufferings. I won't claim that this is the answer to that prayer - but it is certainly from the Lord.

He's allowed these different things to come into my life to show me I want them.
He's taken them from me to show me I idolize them.

I don't think I've ever had a more painful season of my life than this one. Trying to describe it to Stephan once I said "it's just been years of consistent, low-grade suffering, like a dull headache painful enough to distract you but not enough to incapacitate you." But here's the truth - it's not inconsistent with God's character for him to not give me a 'bright spot' in my life to point to and take my comfort from as I wait for my other desires to be fulfilled. He wants to be my bright spot - he should be my bright spot. He is indeed the only thing that will ever give me the solace and comfort my soul screams for in the face of earthly disappointments. I have a sun of a bright spot in my phenomenal husband - but in the face of these other unmet desires, even such an extraordinary gift as he is not comforting. Wonderful though he is, he too is a broken cistern, just like everything else I want. He and those other things will never satisfy me. Only God, the fountain of living water that overflows and never runs dry, will quench my thirst for fulfillment. Nothing else even holds water.

All of God's gifts are meant to point us back to him - the giver. He doesn't use his gifts to buy our love - and we should love him in the absence of them. If we don't, we need to ask ourselves if it was ever really God we were loving, or just the stuff he gave us. This is where I find myself now - is it God I love, I crave, I thirst after - or is it just his gifts?

I know what I want the answer to be, but I'm terrified of learning that lesson. It's a big lesson. but God's a big God, and an able teacher, who promises to finish what he starts. Beyond that, he's patient. I have much reason to hope.